metrocake

It’s been a rough week in CakeLand. Every time I write it’s “we’re running around like lunatics,” except we ARE, and the lunacy’s getting worse.

Last weekend was one of the fun parts; we went out to Long Island on Saturday and picked out wines (we’re getting married in a vineyard). I’d brought our menu with us, so we could pair up correctly, and the vineyard folks looked surprised and told me I was organized. I’m surprised. Doesn’t everyone do this?

Wednesday was also fun, if a little draining. We’d decided to get our marriage license, which involved leaving work early, since the Marriage Bureau closes at 3:45 and is all the way downtown. Everything was fine, until I woke up Wednesday morning and realized that I needed to decide what my name would be…a question I’d been avoiding for months.

there are some who call me…Tim!

When I married for the first time, M felt pretty strongly about my taking his name, in whole or in part. Since I liked my name, and wanted to keep it, I compromised and did a hyphenate. It was a looooong hyphenate, but it worked for me.

Since my divorce, I’ve been wondering if I did the wrong thing. I felt very, very strongly about keeping my name — did that mean that I wasn’t as committed to the marriage as I thought, even before I walked down the aisle? In keeping my identity, did I somehow keep a part of M out? Was I setting boundaries without realizing it?

I’ve been going back and forth for months about my last name. R’s last name is too long to hyphenate nicely with mine. so that was one option out. Another option New York State offers is to combine portions of both your last names into one new one. R wasn’t much up for that (plus, hello, “Hemculli?!”), nor was he up for taking my last name as his second middle name. (Which, as it happens, you can’t do in New York State anyway — the license only covers surnames.) So it was really down to my last name or his, with R saying that he was totally fine with either choice.

I sat in my office Wednesday morning, writing his last name with my first in various combinations. It didn’t look right — plus, since we both share the same first initial, it really looked more like his name than mine. I went into his office and said, “Are you completely and utterly sure you’re okay with my keeping my name? Are you sure you’re not going to regret not having a ‘Mrs. H.’ down the line?” I also told him about my conflicts, about how I was worried about what it would mean for me not to take his name…did it mean we weren’t a family?

I went back and forth about it for most of the morning, until something that I read finally helped me make my decision:

“I do have a good name, if I have to say so myself. I think it has syllabic rhythm. And ethnic identity. And I share it with a very cool Southern, Catholic writer. So, that’s part of why I kept it. I think it’s like a little hint, “I am THIS kind of person.” The kind of person who will get your joke about catechism class and drink too much Guinness. If I had taken my husband’s name, it would have been like pretending to be somebody else with a whole other personal history and a whole other set of in-jokes and favorite foods.”

That helped. That helped a LOT. See, I’m mostly a mutt, but my last name is Italian. My last name, as my buddies well know, means “white ass” in Italian. How on earth could I give that up?! XD

So, I kept my white ass. :)

do I need the eye test with that marriage license?

The Manhattan Marriage Bureau issued 70,000 marriage licenses last year. For something so romantic, you’d think it would be prettier…but it’s not. It’s more like going to the DMV. The Bureau is supposed to be getting a makeover — it’s not coming too soon!

We also ordered our wedding bands on Wednesday — putting the WED in Wednesday — so we were able to cross some more items off the list. Both of our rings look awesome. :)

We’ve been getting so much done, but truth? I’m to the point where I’m so psyched for this to be over..and for our butts to be parked on a beach! The only thing I’ll need to plan is what cocktail to try next. Soon…soon… :)